Hi, I'm xylar

You probably found me through a dating app, welcome! I'm dreaming of self hosted queer web and happy polypartner household 🏡💕

I'm very open and chatty, but in the lawless land of the internet, I care deeply about digital privacy. I'm not using mainstream social media anymore because they allow hate speech and gather our private data to sell for profit. Therefore if you want to reach me, the only link I offer here is a secure messaging service.

My favourite right now is SimpleX. It is free, encrypted, anonymous and open source.

Send me a message 💬

Grindr and greed

Grindr took the gay world by storm and has cemented itself as the most popular gay dating app for almost two decades. But they are also continously abusing this position of power to wring more and more money out of its users, all to get sky high profits and offer returns for investors.

Sure, there are other dating apps, but in sparsely populated areas, Grindr is still the most popular. So we put up with their greed and abuse, cause there are no real alternatives.

Manipulative tactics

Grindr uses several manipulative methods that trick users into doing what the company wants, not what the user wants. It is this greedy design of grindr that makes the app almost impossible to use without paying.

The most obvious abuse of power is of course the incredibly annoying full page ads. They take up the entire screen, play audio even on silent, and force you to watch mind numbingly stupid videos before the tiny button to close them even appear. Then even after pressing close, you are still thrown to the install page of some useless app.
Even the number of profiles you can see in the grid has decreased year after year. It used to be possible to filter and see more profiles, but now there is a max number of total profiles that you are given, and filters are applied on those. So after just applying a minimal set of filters (25-45, has photos), in some areas you only see around twenty profiles, the rest are hidden behind the Xtra paywall.
Hiding profiles of people that completely ignore you now also count toward the max number of profiles you can see. So after hiding say three profiles, now your grid of filtered profiles are even fewer, basically making it impossible to find anyone to connect with.
You might have had the feeling that there are hundres of incredibly sexy guys just beyond the reach of the limited profiles you are allowed to see, and you are correct, because Grindr is constantly tricking you to pay. Below the paid Xtra threshold in the grid, only very popular profiles are shown, which means that the teasing thumbnails that trigger the payment window are all incredibly sexy guys. Then when you do pay, it is not the same grid you were teased with.
So you finally decide to pay for Grindr Xtra, which is already twice the cost of most competitors. At first all is well, but then Grindr starts nagging you to pay even more. Full page ads begging you to pay for a boost, or why not try Grindr Ultimate for even more money?
Then when your subscription ends after paying for Grindr, you can suddenly no longer see who taps you. You still get notifications, but the profiles in the tap list are blurred and you cannot open them. After a month or so without paying, the full tap list is suddenly reactivated, with no explanation offered.
To finish off, Grindr is of course, like all other modern social media apps, designed to be as addictive as possible. Giving you small hits of dopamine as another user answers you, with no built in regard for long term queer happiness.

Your data is their profit

Even if you pay for grindr and somehow don't find their manipulation annoying, you should know that they also squeeze profit out of your personal information.

All your location data, profile data and message content is analysed and collected, then sold to whoever wants to pay. Yes including your HIV status and sexual preferences.

Alternative gay dating apps

Okay, Grindr is exploitative and manipulative, but where should I go when I feel lonely?

Sadly many modern dating apps are both manipulative and greedy. It's hard to recommend one in particular.

Scruff - ethical ads, no investors, but has fewer users than Grindr
Romeo - no ads, no investors, but has issues with creepy users and lack of moderation
Feeld - no ads and poly/queer focused, but very few active users

Don't agree? Then send me a message 💬